The Other Child in the Room
By Kim -Tai DeMars and Gillian Gansler

“Why does Paul have a hard time sitting still when we play a game?”

“Why can’t Lisa read yet? She is older than I was when I started to read.”

“Why doesn’t Michael ever look at me when I try to play with him?’’

In many families today, there is one child with a special need. This special need could be a mild speech delay which will be overcome with therapy, or it could be something with long term effects such as asthma, attention deficit disorder (ADD), epilepsy, cerebral palsy or autism. Most of these children with special needs have brothers and sisters who are typically developing children.

How can we address the needs of all of our children, while giving the one with special challenges the support that he or she needs? As a parent it can be difficult enough to juggle the needs of two or more children when both are typically developing children. But when one child is struggling with health issues, learning challenges, or other special needs, parents can become consumed with the challenge. The whole family is definitely affected when one of its members is diagnosed with a special need.

If you, as a parent, are having difficulty coping with a child with asthma, hearing loss, ADD, autism, or any other special need, imagine how his sibling is feeling. Siblings of children with special needs often see lots of activity going on around them and they do not fully understand what is happening. Many times they will form their own opinion of the situation
and try to fill in the gaps.

A sibling may be resentful of the amount of time that parents are spending visiting doctors, therapists or educators. They may be embarrassed by their sibling’s “odd” behavior in public. They may be angry at their sibling for causing so many problems, particularly if the special need or learning difficulty results in the family facing a new financial burden. They may be afraid that somehow they will “catch” their sibling’s “illness.”  They may feel guilty for fighting with their sibling or they may feel that they are responsible for their sibling having a disability.

Be mindful of where your child is developmentally and do not be afraid to address his concerns. All of your child’s feelings are legitimate for any child (or parent) to experience. Denying your child his feelings will result in an increased sense of guilt for him. Allow the child to voice his concerns and take each one seriously. None of these feelings are “wrong”; they are all reactions to the situation.

Check in with the child about his perception of the problem and give constructive and honest information so he can process what the family is going through. Watch that your emotions don’t take over the conversation. Answer every question to the best of your ability, even if the answer is, “I don’t know.”

Try to look at the situation from the sibling’s perspective. Be sure not to overprotect them from the truth which will result in them feeling isolated and left out. If you don’t have all of the answers that’s okay; it’s a great lesson for children to watch you research and explore how to resolve a personal challenge. Seek a regular life for your typical child. Encourage him to have friends over and look at how to make those moments successful.

Some level of teasing and arguing is common and healthy between siblings. This type of conflict resolution in a safe environment is a healthy part of social development. While it is important for siblings to understand the challenges their sibling faces, it is also important that they have a chance to misbehave and resolve it. Children with special needs will at some point experience some of this behavior from the larger community, even as an adult. Giving them some skills and experiences to refer to are valuable lessons.

Siblings often have unrealistically high expectations of themselves to compensate for the challenges their sibling is experiencing. Be mindful when you see them setting these expectations and talk with them about what is realistic. As a parent be aware to not pressure your child to compensate for his sibling’s challenges.

At a surprisingly young age, many siblings worry about their responsibility to care for their sibling who has special needs in the future. Include your child in some level of the conversations and let him know that you are aware of the challenges that your family may face in the future and what some plans are. Listen to their ideas and what level of involvement they would like to have. Be aware that this will most likely change over time in many different ways. Let your child know that he will be able to pursue his interests and dreams, and that he will be able to choose the level of interaction he will have with his sibling in the near future. Including them in the thought process is very healthy and allows them to see options and solutions.

Reprinted and adapted from The Parent Coach, January 2006 newsletter.

Kim-Tai DeMars, Director of The Parent Coach Company and the parent of two children, holds dual degrees in Psychology and Sociology. She has worked with typical and special needs children of all ages and their families as a parent coach, facilitator, floortime instructor and learning therapist.

Gillian Gansler works at the Parent Coach Company and is the parent of two children, a typical
14 year old and a 10 year old with significant developmental delays. She has also served as a
parent trainer through Babies Can’t Wait. Both Kim-Tai and Gillian can be reached at www.theparentcoachcompany.com or 404-591-2552.