The Dynamic Relationship between
Self-Esteem and Academic Success
By Penny Hayes, PhD.

“I am so dumb. I hate myself. Why does everything have to be so hard?” These words are heartbreaking to any parent. What do you say when Sam comes home with another low grade on his reading assignment? He naturally feels defeated – again. How do the parents and teachers of children with learning differences deal with the problem of low self-esteem?
Self-esteem is a critical factor in overall development and emotional well being. It is described as a subjective appraisal of oneself; it is a feeling, not a skill that can be taught. Self-esteem begins with the child’s feelings and assessments about himself, but his environment then shapes these thoughts further. Those important to the child help create the images of his self-portrait. Therefore, parents and teachers play a very important role. For the child with a learning difference, the challenge is often how to keep them from falling into a negative cycle in school.
When we look at self-esteem, it is important to realize that there are different aspects of how we feel about ourselves depending on the context. If I looked at my golf game (currently non-existent) and judged my overall worthiness on it, I’d be pretty down and out. Luckily, I happen to feel pretty good about other areas in my life, so I am not unnecessarily bogged down by how my golf game is progressing. The more areas that we feel negatively about, however, the more likely our self-esteem will suffer and the more likely we are to become depressed. It becomes important to achieve some sense of balance. We don’t have to feel good in all areas, but the more areas we can foster positive feelings about, the better.
Rick Lavoie, a well-known educator, author, speaker and consultant on learning differences, has some great advice in his “20 Tips to Promote Positive Self-Esteem.” (See sidebar) He suggests that there are four key areas to consider when discussing self-esteem: competence, social, physical and character.

Competence (in a skill area)
Children spend the bulk of their day in school. Thus, a disproportionate amount of a child’s self-impression can be based on his performance or competence in academics. The child with academic challenges then can wind up with low self-esteem primarily based on academics instead of a more balanced picture that would include all aspects of his life. Spending considerable time in an area of weakness may hurt his overall concept of himself. It becomes important for all those working with children with learning differences to promote a balanced approach to self valuation. We all need something to feel good about and be competent in. In order to find that “something,” it may be necessary to try a variety of activities until the child can discover his areas of strength or competence. It doesn’t have to be a skill in an academic area, although that can be important as well. Sports, art and hobbies are all ways to achieve balance.

Social (acceptance, friendships)
It’s important to fit in—somewhere. Finding social outlets where children are accepted and friendships can be made is crucial. Often children will develop wonderful positive social relationships within the school setting. Unfortunately, this is sometimes not the case. Encouraging relationships with classmates away from school may help. Those friendships would hopefully then carry over into the classroom and lead to more acceptance. Extracurricular activities with children other than those your child attends school with may also be worth considering. If your child continues to experience difficulties with social relationships, attending a social skills training group may help to provide some insight for them with new strategies and ideas to try.

Physical (clothing, attractiveness)
Like it or not, attractiveness is an important attribute in social acceptance and self-esteem. Some physical aspects can be controlled and some things just can’t. Paying attention to cleanliness, neat hair and proper-fitting, stylish clothes are all things that typically can be under your control. Even with paying attention to these aspects of appearance, however, doesn’t always mean that your child won’t go through times of insecurity. It’s important to remind kids that growth spurts, braces and other physical side effects of growing up are temporary and all kids face them. Helping to problem solve and address other issues and concerns may also help.

Character (effort, generosity)
Ideally, character is where we really want our children to be enriched. Internalizing traits like effort, leadership, cooperation, independence, generosity and respect are all examples of how their character can develop. Calling special attention to these traits when you see them in your child may help him to see it within himself.

Self-esteem and skill development
Self-esteem has an important dynamic relationship to skill development. The more competent that the child feels in an area, the more skills will develop and vice versa. This is where teaching strategies can play an important role. Too often, children give up before they even start because of their feelings of ineffectiveness. Backing up a step and focusing on a problem solving strategy versus the actual problem can lead to more feelings of control and overall effectiveness. Another strategy here would be to encourage positive self talk just like in the book, The Little Engine That Could ,“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.”
It’s important to keep goals realistic and achievable. Rewards for goals met are wonderful as long as they are within the child’s reach. It is quite defeating to the child excited about a new program only to discover that the goals and rewards are just outside of his reach. One child I recently saw said, “If I couldn’t get to the first goal when I was really trying my hardest, what’s the point in even starting.” The initial goals should always be set at a reasonable level so the child can experience some success initially. Get them hooked before you raise the bar!
Making mistakes is a part of life. Learning from these mistakes is what should be stressed. Pointing out previous mistakes and lessons learned may encourage a child to try again. Pointing out and emphasizing positive character traits while children are working within their area of difficulty may also provide a boost of motivation. Remember to stress the positives many more times than the negatives. Always make sure your valuation comments are sincere. Be cognizant of empty praise that tends to backfire in the long run.
If your child becomes depressed, please seek professional help. Signs of depression include: depressed mood, diminished interest or pleasure in activities previously enjoyed, sudden weight change, change in sleep patterns, change in energy level, fatigue and feelings of worthlessness.
Positive self-esteem is achieved by balanced feelings about oneself in multiple areas of life. The better someone feels about himself in an area, the more skilled he tends to become. For children with learning differences, this can be a challenge, but certainly not an impossibility. Open lines of communication between parents, caregivers, educators and therapists will help everyone mention on the same page, which will facilitate the promotion of positive self-esteem. Remember to genuinely stress the positives, keep goals realistic and attainable and aim for balance in your child’s life.

Dr. Hays is a licensed psychologist who has been in private practice in Atlanta for 18 years. She conducts psycho educational evaluations to diagnosis learning disabilities and attention deficit/hyperactivity disorders. Her Web site is: www.DrPennyHays.com.

20 Steps to Positive Self-Esteem

A dynamic relationship exists between self-esteem and skill development. As a child improves in self-esteem, his academic competence increases. And as that competence increases, his self-esteem improves. The caring and concerned caregiver must come to realize that positive self-esteem is both a prerequisite and a consequence of academic success. Here are 20 tips to help foster a child’s self-esteem:

1. Value each child as an individual with unique strengths, needs, interests and skills.
2. Focus on the child’s strengths. Emphasize and celebrate his “islands of competence.”
3. Reject the child’s behavior, but never reject the child. Use affectionate terms and nickname when scolding (“Your room is a mess, honey. Now turn off the TV and make your bed.”).
4. Remember that sincere interest can be more effective and meaningful than praise. Demonstrate a genuine interest in her activities, hobbies, etc.
5. Establish realistic, achievable goals for your child. Anticipate success.
6. Avoid using sarcasm with kids - children with language problems often misinterpret it.
7. When discussing an issue or a problem, avoid bringing up past difficulties.
8. Never compare one child to another.
9. Help the child develop decision-making and problem-solving skills.
10. Understand that mistakes are an inevitable (and valuable!) part of any learning experience. Use these as an opportunity to teach and assist.
11. Divide large tasks into smaller, manageable ones. This will ensure success, mastery, and retention.
12. Maintain a file of his academic work. Use this to demonstrate his progress and development when he is feeling down.
13. Encourage him to maintain “collections” (e.g., baseball cards, stamps, rocks, etc.). This allows him to be the resident expert on a topic.
14. If she does not participate in team sports, promote individual sports (e.g., skiing, golf, swimming). This will provide opportunities for success, exercise, and peer interaction.
15. Communicate your confidence in the child and in her future.
16. Permit and encourage the child to follow the normal fads of his peer group (e.g., clothing, music). This will enhance his acceptance at school and in the community.
17. Emphasize the positive aspects of her behavior or performance, even if the task was not completely successful. Reward direction, not perfection.
18. Anticipate that the child will have plateaus, failures, backslides, setbacks, and regressions. Support and encourage him at these times. Kids need love most when they deserve it least!
19. Look for opportunities to offer him choices to allow him to practice decision-making skills.
20. Never, ever, communicate disappointment to your child. The disappointment of an adult may be too great a burden for a child to carry.

*Reprinted with permission from www.ricklavoie.com